I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
