I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
