You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
