Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize