I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
