The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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