She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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