I smell stomach acid.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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