They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize