Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
