He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
