i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I think my moral compass just broke
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
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