O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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