We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
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