Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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