a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
