Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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