He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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