i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize