I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
