remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
