I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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