how can u be prego again
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
