my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
