Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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