I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
