That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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