also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
