I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
