I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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