he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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