Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
