I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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