I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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