I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Randomize