His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize