Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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