weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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