Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize
