Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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