i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Randomize
