Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
