I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize