i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
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