We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
