My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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