Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
