Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
