I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
