I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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