Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
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