I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
