I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
