her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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