Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
