You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
